Snarky Behavior

ESPN is US Weekly for Dudes

June 22, 2007 · 2 Comments

Pacman Jones makes it rain.

More accurately this post title should be “Deadspin is US Weekly for Dudes.” But as consequence of the majority of friends being some combination of female, corporate, hipster, and/or gay, I’m pretty sure few readers would get the reference.

Although I don’t follow sports as regularly as I once did, I still maintain a casual interest, even though (again) there are so few people I regularly interact with who actually give even a semblance of a crap.

Being conversational about sports helps me interact in testosteronal environments (like the gym, poker tables, etc.), since I don’t really jive in the milieu of “recounting sexual escapades.” (Read: I’m not comfortable with lying).

I’ve often asked the question of my female friends: “what do you do with your spare ‘thought’ time? Why are you not infinitesimally more productive than I am!?” That is: what are the distractive components of the female mind that prevent them from taking over the world while men ponder money, sports and girls (i.e. money, cash, hos)?

Here’s a breakdown of what I’m thinking about during the course of a day:

I’ll unscientifically give girls the roughly equivalent percentages for Money, Boys (actually higher, since I’m fairly asexual), Deep Thinking (I’ll take the high road and leave Larry Summers out of this argument), Task at Hand, and Nothing at all.

That leaves an unexplained 15% of the active mind! What the hell are you thinking about?

My hypothesis: Girls are thinking about US Weekly. They’re thinking (or more precisely, reading or watching) about Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan’s boobs, Britany Spears’ snatch, and so on and so forth. It’s the only logical explanation. I refuse to consider otherwise.

The SCARY part of this phenomenon is when you project forward: While part of the male aging process results in a dwindling interest in sports and an increased interest in money (which is a fairly natural transition in terms of cognitive process, from analytical, tribal competitiveness to provisional security and status), the “Britany’s Snatch” cognition MORPHS INTO MATERNAL INSTINCTS!

That is, girls think, “I’ll never be a stupid spoiled whore of a mother like Britany, dropping her baby in her own drug-induced bulemia-spew.”

How scary is that????

Just as sports figures like PacMan Jones, Terrell Owens, Kobe Bryant, and the entire Cincinnati Bengals have become “anti-role models” for the ethos of team play, cooperation, friendship, and patience, Britany has become the anti-role model for motherhood!

It’s the rise of the anti-role model!

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2 responses so far ↓

  • Rohit // June 23, 2007 at 6:45 pm | Reply

    I love the graphic. I would probably increase my own percentages of “money,” “task-at-hand” (I concentrate pretty well), and “nothing at all” at the expense of sports, while keeping “deep thinking” and “girls” constant (I too tend to be rather asexual).

    And with a father like me, and a mother who finds maternal inspiration in Britney’s snatch and Lindsay’s boobs, I worry (even more) for my (future) children.

  • Jon // June 25, 2007 at 2:47 pm | Reply

    I too liked the addition of the graphic. One of my favorite sites is indexed (see “Sites I read”) for its insightful charts. I’m going to try to incorporate that whenever I can.

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