Snarky Behavior

Back in the Day: Snack Line Scamps

August 8, 2007 · 2 Comments

Back in the Day: Where I post articles I wrote in high school to give a glimpse of the formative development of my snark.

Snack Line Scamps
Cutting in Line: You know who you are, you bastards.
By Jon Host, Staff Writer

University High School has a problem. I have watched this problem escalate, unabated over the past four years. Apparently, some of us are to cool to stand in a designated and organized manner in order to enter the snack line. We do not see the necessity to wait an extended time period. The time constraints of snack demand that we cut in front of people who are either too stupid to cut in line themselves, or too socially inept to be stood behind. We have even gone to the extent of reincarnating a modernist version of Southern Segregation. Two lines now exist: one for those who may cut, and one for those who may wait.

At one point in my life, I succumbed to the frustration; I too began to cut in line. I had grown tired of waiting patiently in line, finding myself being pushed further and further behind. When I finally reached near the front, I found my personal space invaded, as backpacks and elbows flooded my immediate field of vision. I got a better understanding of what body odor not only smelled, but felt like. By this point, I had lost all appetite—an ironic coincidence, as the only food items not yet ravaged were the pickle (you know the one) and an apple with ranch dressing spilled all over it. And so I began to cut. I started small, cutting in front of friends and freshman.

However, gradually I developed the audacity to cut in front of anyone smaller than myself, outright. I cut as if it were a natural right. I’m not proud of this time in my life, believe me. I had sacrificed my civility for a daily hash brown. I felt like Pinocchio, watching myself and all of my friends turn into asses. However, unlike Pinocchio, I was a real boy.

People who cut in line should be ashamed of themselves. Let me assure you, you’re not special. This applies to a very large percentage of the school population. Many of you, like myself, found yourself forced into cutting as there was no other viable alternative available to expediently entering the snack line. You might even feel guilt as you cut, knowing that you are not only contributing to but also perpetuating the problem. It will not resolve itself. The solution must begin with the conviction of the individual.

I have reformed. I have repented, and I have reformed. No longer will you see me slipping in between those rusted, metal bars. I now preach to the sinners, in the sense that I deliver numerous expletives in their direction, and encourage others of you out there to do the same. Help them realize salvation. I know that you suffer this degrading abuse in silence, resorting to ineffectual looks of scorn or contempt. Let your voice be heard! In the words of the great David J. Huang (Sr.), “tell those (expletive)s to, like, stop.”

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2 responses so far ↓

  • Rohit // August 10, 2007 at 11:57 pm | Reply

    I laughed out loud at the invocation of David J. Huang (Sr.). It’s been a long time.

  • Joe // September 26, 2007 at 5:48 am | Reply

    Oh my God, I actually remember that from when you wrote it for the Sword & Shield. And lest we not forget the famous quote of that great man, The Prophet David J. Huang (Sr.), on snack-food-cakes “appropriated” from the abbreviated queue: “They taste better stolen.”

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