Snarky Behavior

Entries tagged as ‘nyc’

Overheard in the Bronx

September 25, 2008 · Leave a Comment

On my walk home, near Fordham Center, I passed by a group of black men in white robes, “preaching” into a microphone:

[Preacher #1]:  The Bible says that God loves only the chosen people, the Israelites.  The Bible don’t say nothin’ ’bout him lovin’ no other nations!  He don’t love anyone from China!  He don’t love anyone from Japan!  He don’t love anyone from the White Man’s land!

[Preacher #2]:  He values those people as nothin’!  He values them at less than nothin’!  It’s all right here in the Bible!  [Proceeds to read a Psalm].

I walk past.

[Preacher #1]:  The White Man think the Bible is talkin’ ’bout him!  But God only loves the chosen people, the Israelites!  And who are the Israelites?  The twelve tribes!  And there ain’t no White tribe!  There is the so called “Negro” tribe, the Puerto Rican tribe, the Dominican tribe, the Mexican tribe…” there ain’t no tribe for Arabs!  There ain’t no tribe for Asians!  There ain’t no tribe for the White Man!

…you learn something new everyday!

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Don’t Be Fooled by the Rocks that I got

September 2, 2008 · Leave a Comment

A quick post:

Yesterday I spent all day moving things into my new apartment in the Bronx.  My roommate and I made three drop-offs with the U-haul van, steadily lugging our crappy second-hand IKEA things up the four flights of stairs, while the entire neighborhood watched on with interest.

After we had dropped off the van in Chelsea, we took the D express train back uptown, arriving home for good around 10:30 pm.  The same people who had been lounging around and listening to loud music at 2pm were in the exact same spots, listening to the exact same music, at the exact same volume.

When we approached our apartment door we noticed a group of families in the hallway talking to each other.  They informed us that our next door neighbor’s apartment had been broken into with a CROWBAR HOURS EARLIER.

I’m pretty sure that crowbar was intended for our apartment, and was meant to steal the iMac I had carried up in front of all to see.

The crazy thing is that our deadbolt hasn’t been installed yet.  You could’ve kicked our door open.

Needless to say, we’re actively investigating renter’s insurance.

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Filed Under: Articles that raise my blood pressure

May 20, 2008 · Leave a Comment

“Immenent Recession” May Cost NYC 59,000 Jobs:

An imminent recession could cost New York City 59,400 jobs between now and the middle of next year, with the profit-stricken financial sector the “epicenter” of the downturn, a new report said on Tuesday…No recovery is seen until the second half of 2009.

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On Pidgin English

April 6, 2008 · Leave a Comment

A friend and I were talking on the train the other day about how horrendous the New York Post’s headline articles can be.  We’ve noticed the devolution of written English… not due to text messaging and e-mail, as so many have others have speculated… but due to LOL catz.

Yes, secretaries, mousey college girls, soccer stay-at-homes, and other future cat-women have ruined our great language.  But instead of lamenting, I will make the easy joke:

Sptizer

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10 Seconds of Solitude

March 27, 2008 · Leave a Comment

I’ve heard people say that New York city is the loneliest city in America because you’re constantly surrounded by strangers.  I definitely get lost in my own mind from time to time, especially when stalking the drudgery that is my commute from class to work and back.

Today though, there was a moment on the train when I closed my eyes, and everything was pitch black, and I could hear the sound of waves crashing on the sand in the dark of night.  It was transcendentally vivid, and reminded me of intense memories… my first kiss at summer camp in Catalina, sleeping cheek to cheek in our sleeping bags; the summer of 2000 when we’d drive down to little Corona del Mar, drinking Jack Daniels and howling at the moonless sky; the night in Guantanamo when we pulled over our RV to lay in the middle of  desolate and eroded asphalt road and stare at the stars while little crabs waddled by on their way to the beach.

I’m not usually one to mediate, as I’m constantly plugged into my iPod or reading some magazine or blog post.  So to find such vivid clarity so quickly, with so little concentrated effort, was a pleasant surprise.

Just thought I’d share.

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A Day in the Life #2

January 30, 2008 · Leave a Comment

As reported from one of my classmates:

[The following conversation takes place between a 60 year old White cab-driver and a graduate student from Italy]

Cab driver: So who are you voting for?

Grad student: Oh, actually I’m Italian… I cannot vote.

CD: Oh. Well who do you like?

GS: I am not too keen on any of them, but I suppose I would vote for Obama if I could.

[Conversation continues, with cabbie excitedly talking about Obama, and how significant of a moment it would be for him to become the first Black president.]

GS: Ok, here is fine. [pays CD].

CD: Nice talking with you!

[Elderly well-to-do Black couple approaches cab. Cab driver shakes them off, and speeds away].

… I guess we’re not “post-racism” just yet.

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Douchechill!

January 3, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Via Paul Krugman:

Rupert Murdoch, said on the eve of the invasion of Iraq:

The greatest thing to come out of this for the world economy, if you could put it that way, would be $20 a barrel for oil. That’s bigger than any tax cut in any country.

Via Overheard in New York:

    Rupert Murdoch, at conference If you wanted to stalk a young girl, it’d be much easier to do on Facebook than MySpace.   

    Conference attendee: Douche chill…

–Grand Hyatt Hotel

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How to Scare the Shit Out of Someone

December 18, 2007 · 2 Comments

Yesterday when I was walking home from the library, I noticed that there was a small red laser sight following me.  I turned around but there was nobody there.

Then I noticed that the sight was on my chest.

I looked up and saw that the light was coming from the top of maybe a 10 story building on top of the corner of 120th and Broadway.

And I nearly shit myself.

I remembered my former co-worker Melissa telling me how scary it was living in DC back in 2003 when there was a sniper on the loose.  She had told me that the news gave advice on how to avoid being sniped… by crouching low to the ground, covering your head, and running in a zig-zag formation.

So yesterday I skipped and straffed my way home while some fucker tracked me with a laser sight, and undoubtedly laughed hilariously.

Merry Christmas, asshole.

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Ode to a Gross New York Bug

September 18, 2007 · 1 Comment

Gross New York bug
How did you get stuck in my light?
Was it your time? Did you follow the light
only to discover it wasn’t the pearly gates, or the rusted chain link fence, or whatever the cockaroach conception of heaven might be?

Gross New York bug
Why do you have so many legs?
And such long antennae
that scurried desperately in the confines of my light
while you sought a way out?

Gross New York bug
I’ve read that sleeping with your mouth open
means that you inadvertently swallow bugs in the night.
Please don’t ever crawl into my mouth, and scurry about
like you did in my light.

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Polynomial Function for Money Spent in New York by Time Spent Out

September 8, 2007 · Leave a Comment

If you’re ever planning on spending a night out on the town in Manhattan, it’s ALWAYS best to pre-game. Even the diviest of dive bars (aka Karaoke bars on Canal Street) charge $6 for Corona’s and $8 for Whiskey Jameson…and if you go the straight liquor route you’ll always wake up the next morning with nothing more than a painful hangover and a wallet full of ATM receipts.

New York is definitely a cash city, and certainly there is lose aversion associated with every instance in which you’re forking over a Jackson and getting a Hamilton and two Washingtons in return.

In light of my new mathlete status, I’ve posited the following polynomial function to help one estimate the amount of cash they will undoubtedly spend on any given night in Manhattan:

f(x) = x^2 + 5x + 20, where f(x) = Money spent and x = hours out

There are certain features of this equation to take note of: first, that it is a quadratic equation, meaning the longer you are out, the more rapidly you will start to spend. Of course, as you’re getting drunker, your loss aversion to handing over money decreases (especially after you’ve just had your student loans dispursed… hey-yo!!!)

Second, there is a linear component: for every hour you spend in Manhattan, some wallet tickler taxes you $5. He’s quick, with small hands, so you never really see him, but he’s paying Bloomberg’s salary.

Third, the constant number $20 is a fee you pay everytime you leave the apartment. It is impossible NOT to spend $20 just stepping outside for fresh air.

I gotta run to class, see you $20 later.

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