Snarky Behavior

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Snarky Heuristics: Throwing a House Party

July 29, 2007 · 5 Comments

Snarky Heuristics: Where I snarkily define rules of thumb for social situations and occassions.


Introduction – “If you want to know a man’s character,” goes the proverb, “show me his friends.” I’ll add to that: “If you want to get to know a man’s friends, go to his next house party.” The following list represents some rules of thumb for throwing a good one (and avoiding a bad one).

“Keep it simple, stupid” – A memorable party offers its guests three things: get drunk, get high, and get laid.

I personally don’t partake in the second two activities… the former, voluntarily and the latter, involuntarily. (Seriously. It’s getting to the point where I might have to claim to have “found God” just to save face.) But for most people, these three will suffice. This rule of thumb is like a doctor telling a patient “drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest.” Or like gold, myhrre and frankincense… just absolute staples.

“Gay DJ will ruin the day” – If you have a large contingency of gays at your party, it’s very important that you KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THE PLAYLIST. What seems like a harmless creep from “All Night Long” to “Bootylicious” will always result in a RENT sing-a-long, if left unchecked. The straights will uncomfortably self-segregate away from the mos, and you’ll be left with some strange sexual orientation version of an arranged Indian marriage reception.

It’s best to stick with staple cross-overs like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Madonna, the Venga Boys, etc. Only half-kidding about that last one. (I call these “cross-overs” because I personally like them and I’m straight. Hetero men have to take such risks, like wearing pink shirts, to avoid getting pigeon-holed into pleated pants and Bruce Springstein. These are important social statements I’m telling you.)

“Don’t Invite Your Newly Discovered Long-Lost Illegitimate Family Relations” – If your uncle is trying to outreach to his estranged illegitimate son, and asks you to help him in this venture, it might seem like a good idea to invite the bastard cousin to your party. But before you do, make sure he’s not some sketchy damaged goods foster kid who’s going to puke in your kitchen, throw bottles of SoCo into your back alley, and piss off your balcony. I’M JUST SAYING.

“Take two of these, and walk it out” – Thank the lord for DJ Unk and Andre 3000. I walk it out [repeated 7 times].

“Axe body spray just makes it worse” – If you’re trying to mask a particular odor for the benefit of your guests (say, hypothetically, musky body odor or wafting puke), Axe body spray will make your apartment distinctly smell like puke masked with Axe body spray.

Turns out, those commercials of girls attacking guys wearing cheap colone sprayed out of a pressurized can are exaggerating(?). To be more accurate, the commercials should just show girls at a party, standing in a circle, flaring their nostrils and wildly darting their eyes, trying to locate the man stank in the room full of people.

Now, if you’re wearing Axe body spray, it might “throw them off your scent,” in the most literally sense of that phrase. It’ll buy you a minute, maybe two tops, before they figure out that you’re the source of BOTH stenches. If in that minute’s time you get a girl to roll down a mountain with you, God bless you for it.

“Late arriving house guests are not to be trusted… in general” - The following chart is a graphical representation of “magnitude of sketchiness” as measured by the time of arrival of your house “guest” to your party.

The graph demonstrates that while it is perfectly acceptable to arrive at 12 am or earlier, a 1 am arrival indicates a small degree of sketchiness (i.e. you were clearly out some place before and are party hopping); a 2 am arrival is very sketchy (i.e. party-crasher after bars close); a 3 am arrival is extremely sketch (bars closed + late night eats); and a 4 am arrival is the by far the god damned sketchiest thing ever (i.e. ????).

Now, the key to screening random shadesters from your party is to call them out by asking them who they know at the party. (Note: don’t give shadesters an either/or option… they will clearly lie, as demonstrated by the following scenario):

[My roommate, to 3 am arrival]: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met. Who do you know here? Ross or Jon?

[3 am arrival]: Uh, Jon.

[Jon, standing behind the 3 am arrival, wildly shakes his head and mouths "I DON'T KNOW THIS GUY."]

Screening randoms is especially important if you already live on top of or next to a locale that already tends to attract sketch-balls, such as, for instance, a tattoo parlor. Also important: as the party host, you have to stay up late to monitor the party until all of the gypsy rift-raft have departed, lest you wake up the next morning sans i-Pod and laptop (sorry, Adosh).

And those, my friends, are just a few of the many helpful hints we’ve learned from experience and imbued to you, to help refine this Vie Bohemme existence we find ourselves in.


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