Snarky Behavior

Entries tagged as ‘work’

Quotes for the Day: Stress

August 2, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Quotes for the Day: When I’m too lazy or busy to write anything so I let smarter people speak on my behalf.

Today’s Quote for the Day is on stress:


Many companies have long contended that stress in the home causes productivity loss in the market place.. and it does. But research now reveals that stress on the job causes stress at home. In other words, they feed off each other.
-Zig Ziglar


Ain’t that right beau? TRUE!

Right now, I am the anti-product. I am so overwhelmed on all sides that I’ve turtle-shelled the world. It’s the overwhelming sensation that I haven’t experienced since college finals.

But you know what helped me then? This quote:


“Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”
–Natalie Goldberg


If Zen were a drug, I would free-base that shit on the daily.

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Whoops

July 31, 2007 · Leave a Comment

From: xxxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2007 12:31 PM
To: Everyone_
Subject: lose your Starbucks?

There is a Venti Starbucks something that exploded in the upper microwave.

Belong to anyone?

Um yeah, that would be me.

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Conversations I had at work today

July 19, 2007 · 2 Comments

I had an amazingly productive day at work. We’ll call this spurt of enthusiasm the “surge” before the inevitable withdrawal.

In spite of my newly rediscovered work ethic, I managed to squeeze in some conversations extremely high in comedic value:

PIMPING 101
[the following conversation took place between 2:39 - 3:25 PM]


37 minutes
3:16 PM prime: “they would still have to meet tight criteria to get funding.”
hahahahah

6 minutes
3:23 PM me: no pimping program though
unfortunately
3:24 PM pimping: it’s not easy
3:25 PM prime: being out there as a pimp 101
“taking your pimping big, spending g’s”
3:26 PM there’s a baller certification program, though
me: night classes, nice
3:27 PM prime: natch

WOMEN AND SANDWICHES FIRST
[the following conversation took place between 2:06 - 2:09 PM on GMail chat]

2:06 PM Jackie: so we were just evacuated from the building
cuz the fire alarm went off
2:07 PM my co worker immediately starts gathering her documents
and laptop and shit
and I….
reach for my sandwich
*hangs head
and now she wont stop making fun of me
IT WAS THE CLOSEST THING TO ME


DENNIS MILLER, LIVE!
[the following conversation took place between 2:55 - 2:59 PM on GMail chat]

2:55 PM me: today xxxxxx and i had an idea for a website:
2:56 PM take every transcript of anything dennis miller has ever said
and wikipedia it
Adam: oh i like that
there would have to be pictures
and diagrams
flow charts
2:57 PM me: exactly
Adam: how can i help?
me: and percentages of esoteric-isms
meaning people would say “i get this reference” or “i don’t get this reference”
2:58 PM Adam: could we bring in other former weekend update anchors as guest-bloggers, and have them contribute counterpoint arguments?
“Norm Macdonald disagrees…”
me: “duhhhhhhh”
2:59 PM Adam: excellent

SHITTING TO THE OLDIES
[the following conversation took place between 1:06 - 1:08 PM on GMail chat] 1:06 PM prime:further evidence of the fall of civilization

1:06 PM me: hmmmm
i think they went too classy with the product description
“shit wiper soundtrack”
1:07 PM would sell more units
wipe to mexican red eye of the tiger!
prime: hahahahhaha
1:08 PM yeah, although in their defence, i think almost any product description would be “too classy”

And this is just the stuff that is SFW. There was plenty of stuff I omitted that is NSFW. And some great verbal conversations including “If Virginia is for lovers, Maryland is for crabs;” and “Oh boy! My meat grinder came!” [spoken in Afghani accent].

All of which reminds me how hilarious all of my friends are. If anyone wants to write anything for roughly 50 or so daily slackers but is too lazy to start their own blog, I’d be happy to post it for you.

–Jon

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My Simpsons Avatar

June 28, 2007 · Leave a Comment

I was on strict orders from my boss to create one of these:

Her: “You look like you’re hung-over.”
Me: “That’s how I always look.”

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Reading Through the Lines: No White Collar Worker Left Behind

June 13, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Reading through the lines: where I take a crack at translating a mainstream article or op-ed. Responses in italicized blue text.

Today’s inaugural article: The New York Times – “Economic Life After College”

Economic Life After College

Commencement is a time for idealism.

Read: Oh shit, it’s June! Better write up that hackneyed article to hedge recent graduates’ expectations, even though they’re coming out with a more refined and productive skill set than our generation ever had.
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But economic reality is lurking everywhere, and new college graduates are vulnerable to ambush. They have been told repeatedly that a college degree is an open sesame to the global economy. But that’s not necessarily so, according to new research by two economists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Frank Levy and Peter Temin.

Read: College degrees are the new high-school diploma, and employers who don’t know to value the difference between tiered institutions are keeping entry-level salaries low across the board. Which encourages the cycles of transience, as graduates from top schools flounder to find salaries to match the income they expected when they took out (x) amount of dollars in loans.

It is true that people with college degrees make more money than people without degrees. The gap has narrowed somewhat in recent years, which is disturbing. But the earning power of college graduates still far outpaces that of less-educated workers.

Read: Lower standards and entry barriers to obtain a college degree deflate its value. As a result, the baby-boomer generation has expanded its bottle-necked bulge at the executive level by keeping salaries and benefits low at the entry level. (You blood-suckers… thanks for leaving me a depleted environment, an over-inflated housing market, a bankrupt social-security system, a devalued dollar and a massive trade deficit… )

The bad news, though, is that a college degree does not ensure a bigger share of the economic pie for many graduates. In recent decades, Mr. Levy and Mr. Temin show, only college-educated women have seen their compensation grow in line with economywide gains in productivity. The earnings of male college graduates have failed to keep pace with productivity gains.

Read: The male statistic is the control here because more women pursued full-time careers.

Instead, an outsized share of productivity growth, which expands the nation’s total income, is going to Americans at the top of the income scale. In 2005, the latest year with available data, the top 1 percent of Americans — whose average annual income was $1.1 million — took in 21.8 percent of the nation’s income, their largest share since 1929.

Read: As a reminder, October of 1929 began a period called “The Great Depression.” That’s what we have to look forward to. Buy your cardboard boxes now. Wait for it… we’re going to go ahead and blame this on “globalization” and “fair trade.”

Administration officials, and other politicians and economists, often assert that income inequality reflects an education gap. But Mr. Levy and Mr. Temin show that in the case of men, the average bachelor’s degree is not sufficient to catch the rising tide of the global economy.

Read: There it is! Blame the labor supply for expanding income gaps when the middle-class’ end is stagnant! Please explain: what leverage do I have? I have taken out loans, so unless I had decided to narrow my studies to an explicitly career oriented degree (which in terms of American industry means finance, computer technology, or to a lesser extent, engineering), I am forced to accept the salary offered to me. There are no unions to protect my interests, and few profit-sharing plans exist as incentive to commit myself long-term.

They argue that the real reason inequality is worsening is the lack of strong policies and institutions that broadly distribute economic gains. In the past, for example, a more progressive income tax and unions fostered equality. Affirmative action has also helped and probably accounts, in part, for the pay growth of college-educated women. But such institutions have been eroding and new ones have not yet emerged. At the same time, corporate norms that restrained excessive executive pay have also eroded, making the income gap even greater.

Read: Well that makes sense. We live in society where two employees of the same corporation, the CEO and the janitor, have a salary multiplier of x1000+. Does anyone really think that’s fair? Do you honest to God believe any one person on this earth contributes enough to humanity to deserve to be compensated 1000x more than anyone else? And all the while CEOs are bitching about how much hedge-fund managers and professional athletes make. It’s a fucking shit show. It makes me sick.

Mr. Levy and Mr. Temin conclude that only a reorientation of government policy can restore general prosperity. That’s a challenge to the nation’s leaders and today’s graduates. America needs them to build the new institutions for a global economy.

Read: Oh, ok, it’s “my challenge” to resolve the problem your generation has created for me? Is that so? How do you expect me to enter a career of public service when I have to take out six-figures in debt just to finance an education that will advance my career beyond the artificial glass-ceilings and inhibitors you have imposed upon me?

As sadistic as it sounds, these are the kinds of trends and attitudes that will influence my conscience in 15-20 years when I’m voting on whether to cut funding to prescription drug plans, to vote against capping property taxes, to lobby against patient’s rights,
to vote for massive estate taxes and restructuring the tax-code against retirement funds, to levy capital gains taxes and progressive tax-codes across the board, etc., etc.

The 2008 election very well might prove to be the consolidation of Generations X and Y against their parents. Race politics in America are played out. The future is age and class. All revolutions start with a pissed-off middle class. I don’t intend on living a life aligned to 19th century conceptions of labor and leisure because of “globalization.”


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Danger Between Meals

May 11, 2007 · 2 Comments


Don’t worry if your job is small and your awards few. Remember that the giant Oak was once a tiny nut like you.


Rule #1 of Blog Club: Don’t Blog about Work.

Rule #2 of Blog Club: Don’t Blog about Work.

So I have this friend. We’ll call him Jean-Pierre. Today he witnessed something so fantastically hysterical at work that “The Office” couldn’t do it justice.

His boss was on a conference call with their client discussing the rare brand of minutia that can only be nurtured in the delicate environment of federally-branded bureaucratic group-think.

One of the clients is quite the character. He is a phd who takes hip-hop and salsa classes. He uses match.com and posts a “grandfatherly-esque photo” of himself to find a like-minded life-partner. An awesome guy. And he eats a daily snack of rationed trail-mix, counting calories all the way.

[Client:] “This is going I little longer than anticipated, we may need to stop soon for lunch.”

[My Boss:] “I understand… you probably are hungry for your nut-sack. SNNNNNACK.” [Jaw drops, blood rushes out of face].

When Jean-Pierre told me this story, I laughed for a good ten minutes.

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